Friday, 21 January 2005 | I got you something!

I don't know why I haven't learned this by now, but I should not buy you a present until minutes before you are supposed to receive it.

The idea part of buying presents is pretty fun, I guess, but only because it's inherently tied to the future, to the actual giving part. I like hanging over a piece of paper and producing a list of things you've mentioned that you wanted (as well as silly fun things that you most definitely don't know you want), because I can imagine your reaction when you discover what I've gotten you.

The execution part of buying presents is also reasonably pleasant, because it's still essentially active, but that's when my impatience makes its first appearance. This phase is particularly difficult if I have to depend on someone else to get a particular item, or if things don't work out as I'd envisioned. On the other hand, when things do work out, it only makes Part III harder.

Part III, the waiting part, devours my brain with stubborn (inhumane) persistence. Inevitably, weeks before I give you your present, I will not only tell you that your present exists, but I will drop a CSI file of clues as to what it might be, in an effort to inspire some excitement from your end (though your level of excitement will no doubt remain far below mine). I will also probably suggest that we celebrate your birthday/Christmas/etc. early, because don't you want your gift?! C'mon, I'm willing to bend the rules if you are! Please. Open it now.

When you finally do unwrap your present (regardless of whether you gave in to my pleas and opened it early), you can't possibly react happy enough for long enough, I'm afraid. You can't win this one.