Wednesday, 21 June 2006 | Professional observation

My landlord: "I don't understand why I have mice."
Exterminator: "You should probably take out your garbage at least once a month."

Apparently that conversation actually happened last week, and neither person was being sarcastic. My landlord, who looks and smells like he sleeps on a park bench, "lives in filth," according to the building's exterminator, a man who, by definition, sees his share of conditions ideal for vermin. "I've been a bachelor before, and I know what it's like, but man, that guy's over the edge." It's made me very curious; I want to know what it takes to impress an exterminator in this way.

My landlord often forgets to drag the trash and recycling to the curb when it's time, the stairs are desparate for broom action, the front doorknob comes off in your hand (surprise!), the buzzer is broken, his overgrown backyard goes unused, and one of his dead trees is permanently reclining on a power line.

I can often tell when my landlord is home, because I can smell his armpits from the hallway. (True!) Fortunately, his place is three floors away from mine, and so far the mice seem to be content making their home with him. We've yet to see any pests in our place, and on the inside, you'd never suspect we live so close to the den of a wild animal.

The other day Todd and I were sitting on our chipped stoop, admiring the manicured plants and freshly painted steps belonging to neighbors on our otherwise lovely block, a stretch of brownstones that gives birth to wholesome lemonade stands and entire families on bikes.

"Look at our tree," I said, pointing to an empty patch of dirt in the sidewalk. It was the first time either of us had noticed that we were the only house within sight that didn't have a tree planted in front of it. It made us both laugh, and eventually theorize about how our building is probably known to our neighbors as the block's hideous stain.

Still, I have to say, this landlord is better than my last. That says a lot for New York real estate, I know.