Tuesday, 07 October 2008 | T-minus 11

Last night was one of the nights that I suspect I will clearly remember about being engaged. Much of the past eight-and-a-half months is already a blur of elements: lots of time staring at a computer, plenty of easy bar talk (people have specific how-are-yous, and I have concrete answers), and lunches spent running around the city with a dog-eared list. But there have been some moments that have encouraged me to pay attention to the present (rather than only focusing on the future wedding day itself), and those have been my favorites. Many of them have involved music, which perhaps isn't all that surprising, since music is good at pulling you back.

My good friend Al is in a bluegrass band called woodpecker!, and they have generously offered to not only play at our wedding, but to actually compose some processional and recessional music for us. It sounded like an incredibly good deal from the start, but it wasn't until we visited them at their practice space last night that the scope of it really sunk in.

They played a private mini-concert for us, sitting in an inward-facing circle in the center of a cold Brooklyn loft, while Todd and I sat next to each other and looked on as they produced beautiful noise. It was a concert I would've been happy to see under any circumstances, nevermind the fact that it's being prepared for our wedding. (crazy!) It made me feel really lucky that we know people who will go to such lengths for us. One of the unavoidable side effects of getting married is that your relationships tend to get magnified to the degree that you can suddenly see the parts of them that are solid and the parts that are weak. (It's a bit like seeing your friends and family in HD.) Sometimes it's not pleasant, but other times it leaves you with an overwhelming sense of gratitude.

Since I imagine I'll be distracted on my way down the aisle (I hear you get some stares as the bride), I'm glad I had the chance to quietly watch the musicians while feeling the warmth of Todd's arm on my back.

...

I never would've guessed that wedding planning would consume so much of my life, as I'm not especially drawn to tradition, and I don't know how to plan for anything that's more than two weeks in the future. However, I can be rather obsessive, and I have purposely unleashed and encouraged that part of my personality, because that's the only thing that makes it possible for me and Todd to have a wedding that isn't a surprise party for everyone involved.

Like me, Todd is an indecisive perfectionist, and we've spent inordinate amounts of time making miniscule decisions about things that surely no one will notice the day of the wedding. I am sort of glad that I don't know the actual figure of hours spent discussing music and combing through playlists, or trying to find place card holders that aren't painfully ugly, or searching for readings we like. (Man, we are picky!) That amount of time -- versus the amount of time we'll spend enjoying these items -- is simply depressing. Just to make it more worthwhile, I am going to spend some quality time with the place card holders at my wedding. And perhaps Todd and I will start using assigned seats at home from now on.

On the upside, I've enjoyed the planning process much more than I expected. The majority of it is creative, which appeals to me, and having a hand in every element of the wedding has been educational -- not only have I learned about the art of planning an event and delegating work, but I now know something about how dresses are made, the many elements of invitation design, the difference in calligraphy pens, and what various types of flowers look like.

Todd and I have even been taking dancing lessons, which, although they first threatened to be a disaster, have turned out to be surprisingly fun. I still feel like we're far from ready to go public, but we've made significant strides since our second lesson, in which our dance instructor looked at us in horror and asked us if we could even hear the music that we were dancing to. (Our most recent [and fourth] lesson, she exclaimed, for the first time, that it was actually kind of pleasant to watch us dance, a comment that surprised us both.) He and I have been better about practicing, although it consistently happens after 1 a.m., when we're not especially sharp and are more prone to bumping into each other.

The best of the planning experience has been spending time with friends involved in the process. To name a few, Elizabeth has taken me make-up shopping; Sarah and I spent a long afternoon at her kitchen table with a mess of envelopes and ribbon between us; Sean, Todd, and I merged our danceable music; Kim showed me where to find resources for readings (and became my default etiquette sounding board); Jena spent a day with me and Todd, photographing us at Coney Island; Joelle helped me find a dress for the rehearsal dinner; and, of course, Stef has not only helped usher the design of my dress from start to finish, but she threw me a ridiculously fun party, during which I rode a mechanical bull.

I've also liked this new dynamic in my relationship with Todd. Neither of has overseen anything close to the scale of this event (our level of event-planning experience ended at impromptu beers on the roof with a few friends), and we've planned nearly every aspect of this thing together. Even if it turns out to be a mess, it will be something we created together, complete with our attention to detail and our blindness for the big picture. It's been somewhat stressful, naturally, but it's been fun in a lot of ways, and, probably most importantly, it's been harmonious, which can only be a good sign.